Originally published on October 11, 2017, this article has since been updated for improved clarity and readability.
About a month ago, I was ghosted.
And no, I’m not talking about the predictable fade-out that accompanies several lackluster dates. This came out of nowhere. And it felt like a punch in the gut.
It all started in early August, when I started dating someone that I came to really like. For purposes of anonymity, let’s just call him Rodrigo.
For nearly six weeks, Rodrigo and I talked on the phone or texted multiple times a day and saw each other several times a week (generally on the weekends since we both had busy workweeks and lived an hour’s drive apart from one another). Then before Hurricane Irma hit, we drove up to Orlando together and spent the week taking shelter from the hurricane in his brother’s apartment. Even though we were never exclusive, for all intents and purposes, we were a couple.
Shortly after the hurricane aftermath (about six weeks after we had met), I suddenly stopped hearing from him. One day we were texting as usual and then suddenly…nothing.
After 48 hours of dead silence from his end, I finally texted him, saying that I was confused by his sudden silence and asked what was going on. He said that we needed to talk and he would prefer to talk in person…I agreed…and then he claimed to be “really busy for the next few days.”
Based on our conversation, I expected for him to reach out and set a time to talk. But a week went by…and still no word. I’m not one to just sit back, be ghosted and let someone get away with it, so I finally texted him again, calling him out on his unkind behavior (in a nonaccusatory, drama-free way). But instead of apologizing or taking any sort of responsibility for his actions, he made me feel like the crazy one, saying, “I’m in the same situation as last week…working 7 days a week…I was in Orlando. I just didn’t have a chance to talk to you.”
And that was it. That was the closest thing to a real break-up that we ever had.
Despite me reaching out to him several times, he never had the courtesy to pick up the phone and call me. Or to even just send me a brief text and let me know that things just weren’t working out between us, for whatever reason. Instead, he left me waiting around and wondering.
I kept asking myself Why? Was it because I was leaving the country and he didn’t think it made sense to continue things? Was it because he had met someone else? Was it something I had said or done? A million different unanswered questions circled around endlessly in my head, resulting in some sleepless nights and anxiety-ridden days. The lack of closure was the most maddening thing of all.
The fact that he didn’t even properly end things with me made me feel as if whatever we had meant nothing to him. It made me feel as if to him, I wasn’t even worth breaking up with.
Once the confusion and self-doubt faded into anger, I realized that his actions had nothing to do with me–or even the way that he felt about me–and everything to do with him. He’s just an immature coward who couldn’t face a tough conversation or even own up to his selfish behavior after the fact.
I’ll admit: It’s hard not to take this kind of thing personally. But for those of you who have ever been ghosted before, it helps to realize that “the way people treat you is a statement of who they are as a human being. It’s not a statement about you” (Anonymous).
Chances are, you aren’t the only person they have ghosted–and unless they change their behavior, you won’t be the last.
Why People Ghost
Disturbingly enough, ghosting seems to come with the territory of dating these days. The fact that there is actually a word for it goes to show just how common this selfish act has become.
If you’ve spent some time dating as a millennial, chances are, you have experienced ghosting in some form or another. Maybe you have been the one to ghost. Maybe you were the one ghosted. Or maybe a friend of yours was ghosted. Somehow, this sort of behavior has become almost just as common as an actual, courteous goodbye.
For those of you who aren’t aware of what ghosting is (it does seem to be something that’s unique to my generation), it’s when you have gone out with someone–generally more than once–and the other person just suddenly stops responding (ghosts). Poof. It’s like they vanish into thin air.
Ghosting is something that probably most of us have been guilty of to some degree. I’m ashamed to admit that I have done it in the past…without even really realizing that I was doing it at the time.
Several weeks ago (after being ghosted by Rodrigo), I went on a date and had a great time with the guy. He was really sweet, generous and thoughtful (even, unbeknownst to me at the time, calling the bar where I had left my debit card to make sure that they had it and that I could come by to pick it up before leaving for Savannah the next day).
After our date, we were messaging a bit back and forth…and then he made an offensive and inappropriate comment (which I will not disclose here). I responded by immediately unmatching him on the dating app that we were messaging on. I told my best (and oh-so-insightful) friend about it and she told me that my reaction was “not very nice” and that I shouldn’t be ghosting other people if I didn’t want to be ghosted myself.
Truth be told, I didn’t even realize that I had ghosted him. I actually thought that I had reacted normally given his rude remark. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that she was right. I started to feel really bad about it. After all, I would never want to treat someone else the way that Rodrigo had treated me, even if we had only been on one date. And he did seem like a nice guy other than that one comment. So a few days later, I found him on Facebook, sent him a message and apologized (in case you’re wondering, he accepted my apology).
I am probably never going to see the guy again (I live a nomadic lifestyle…and he does not), but it made me feel better to at least explain why I did what I did. And if I could do it all over again, I would have told him upfront that his comment was offensive instead of pulling a disappearing act.
Ghosting is sadly something that has become semi-normal for the millennial generation. People seem to think that if they aren’t in an official relationship with someone (or sometimes, even if they are), they can just disappear and it doesn’t really matter. People ghost to avoid conflict and an uncomfortable conversation that they don’t want to have. They ghost because it’s easier to say nothing at all than to tell people how they really feel. They ghost because they are immature and cowardly and don’t know how to deal with their emotions. And in doing so, they show a blatant disregard for the other person’s feelings.
Thanks to technology and smartphones, we all have become so used to hiding behind screens instead of having real, live conversations with people. With the advent of dating apps, many of us are dating and talking to multiple people simultaneously. With limitless options at our disposal, it’s that much easier to suddenly stop talking to one person and move onto the next.
We swipe and accumulate matches like people are baseball cards, to be disposed of with the click of a button. In just a few seconds, you can unmatch or block someone and ensure that they never contact you again, without so much as a thought as to how that might make the other person feel. And we’ve somehow come to see that as normal behavior.
Since nowadays, many people have no social connections or friends in common with the person they are seeing, they seem to think they can easily get away with just falling off the grid. After all, there’ll be no mutual friends around to shame them or hold them accountable for their contemptible actions, and it’s likely they’ll never even have to see the person they are ghosting again.
Remember that Sex and the City episode where Carrie’s boyfriend at the time breaks up with her on a post-it that read, “I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.”? It was such a shockingly lowbrow way to break up with someone that there was an entire episode devoted to the post-it breakup. Nowadays, that kind of breakup would not be so appalling—and by some standards, would even be considered nice. I mean, hey, at least Carrie’s boyfriend told her he was breaking up with her (and apologized), instead of leaving her completely in the dark.
The Effects of Ghosting
Ghosting may be the easy way out if you’re the ghoster, but it leaves lasting effects on the ones who are ghosted. At least for a brief period of time (before the anger sets in), it makes the person ghosted feel insecure, rejected, abandoned, disposable and unlovable. Old, deep-seated insecurities rear their ugly heads. And if they really liked the other person, all those negative feelings and thoughts are compounded.
Even though it’s (almost) never their fault, the sufferers are generally left in a confused state, blaming themselves and wondering what they did wrong: How did I not see this coming? What could I have done differently? How can I make sure this never happens again?
They reenter the dating scene more jaded and distrusting, since everyone they meet is a potential ghoster. I mean, how can you not be at least a little emotionally scarred after an experience like that?
The phenomenon of ghosting leaves its victims more damaged, and worse, it does absolutely nothing to better humanity in any shape or form. If the one who’s ghosted did do something wrong (let’s say they were rude to a waiter or talked incessantly about themselves), don’t you think that they would want to know about it? Personally, I know I would. At least that way, they can work on bettering themselves for the next person that comes around.
I’d say that it’s the ambiguity that causes the most turmoil and angst. Should you be worried about the other person since they aren’t responding? Should you blame yourself…did you do something wrong? Should you be angry at them? Or maybe you are overreacting about the whole situation and you’ll hear from them soon…? A million different scenarios and questions run through your head.
According to Psychology Today, ghosting is particularly traumatizing because it is
“the ultimate use of the silent treatment, a tactic that has often been viewed by mental health professionals as a form of emotional cruelty. It essentially renders you powerless and leaves you with no opportunity to ask questions or be provided with information that would help you emotionally process the experience. It silences you and prevents you from expressing your emotions and being heard, which is important for maintaining your self-esteem.”
A study published in the Journal of Research in Personality found that “avoidance” (aka ghosting) was one of the worst ways to deal with a break-up and it resulted in the most anger, rejection and pain for the ones ghosted.
And to think…all of this can be prevented with just a simple text or phone call.
A friend of mine went out with a guy several weeks ago. After just their second date, he texted her, unprompted, and told her that he wasn’t ready to start dating yet. As a result, she wasn’t left waiting around to hear from him or expecting a third date that would never come.
Now, why can’t that kind of behavior be the norm?
Let’s Make Ghosting Extinct
So here’s what I propose. Let’s all stop ghosting. Let’s stop treating one another in such a disrespectful, inhumane way. Let’s be kinder and more compassionate to one another. Let’s restore our lost etiquette and social graces that have somehow gone astray. Let’s break free from the toxic dating culture that we’ve created over the years.
The next time you are even considering ghosting someone, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and ask yourself if that’s how you would want to be treated if the tables were turned. Practicing a bit of empathy is something that has worked well for me.
If you go on a date and just aren’t feeling it, instead of not responding when your date texts you the next day, try saying something like “hey, I think we’re looking for different things.” Or “I’m not quite sure that I see this working out.” Or if you’re feeling blunt, “I don’t feel the chemistry.”
And if it’s been more than just a couple of dates, man up and make that dreaded phone call or have that awkward in-person conversation.
Because if not? Well, as they say, karma’s a bitch…